Methodical Musings

So last night I was talking to a friend and it got me thinking about happiness and having a fulfilled life: what it is and what it is not.

First I want to start with a presupposition: a fulfilled and happy life is possible. We all know people who claim to have fulfilled and happy lives. Happy marriages, happy careers, a fulfilling community life, and friends. We know it is possible.

What follows is my theory on what makes a person happy and fulfilled. It is not complete, it is not super thought through, but I like it and honestly it has helped me so many times that I thought I’d share it with others.

I think that fulfillment and happiness, when based on things we cannot change, will end up in heartbreak. We cannot change the weather, so basing your happiness on the weather is foolish. We cannot control natural disasters so basing one’s happiness on them is foolish. Ultimately there is very little we can control in this life so basing one’s happiness on possessions, the number of friends one has, how perfect one’s relationship with everyone around them is, how much money one makes, etc. are all silly. Even though you may be able to achieve perfection in all of these things, there are no guarantees they will be around forever and so you will probably end up spending the majority of your time trying to “protect” all these things and will never be able to relax and actually enjoy them.

Personally, I think one’s happiness and fulfillment begins in respect for oneself. We all enjoy the company of someone we respect. If you do not respect yourself, you will always be miserable. Why? Because you cannot get away from yourself.

This respect cannot be based on what other people think of you, or else you are respecting others’ opinions over yourself. Inevitably someone will have a low opinion of you and you will then lose your happiness and spend all your time trying to fulfill their expectations. This will reduce their respect for you and eventually you will end up miserable. You will never feel happy and fulfilled if this happens.

So then, true happiness and self-fulfillment begin with a respect for yourself. Do you not respect yourself? Do things that will make you respect yourself. Take care of yourself, organize your life, set moral standards for yourself and keep them. In short, do the very things that, if others did them, would earn your respect.

You have to love yourself enough to control your actions and to refuse to do things that could cause your own harm. People who live self-destructive lifestyles do not respect themselves. They inevitably end up miserable because the one person they are always around – themselves – they do not respect.

I firmly hold that people who respect themselves are more likely to do good to others around them. We generally respect people who unselfishly help others. So a person who respects and loves themselves will do good to others so that they can continue to respect and love themselves. If they do not, they lose respect for themselves and therefore lose happiness and fulfillment.

So, in short, I hold that happiness begins with respect and love of yourself. I do not think you can truly love and respect others until you feel loved and respected yourself. A person respects and loves themselves if they do those things that bring about their own happiness and self-fulfillment.

One final thing. Someone could argue that this encourages selfishness (doing good to oneself at the expense of others).  Absolutely not. A smart person realizes that they respect people who respect others. So it is actually against ones own self-respect to be disrespectful toward others. So a person who does things that harm others cannot respect themselves and will in the end reduce their happiness and fulfillment in life. So then, one’s respect for oneself is directly tied to one’s respect and consideration toward others.

P.S. I’m definitely not perfect in following this myself, its just a principle I try to live by and hope it helps someone else out as well.