In a previous post, I expressed how I had shown all of the signs of religious addiction. Since that post, I’ve on occasion thought about this issue and realize that the very act of admitting the problem and recognizing that – without a doubt – that was my issue, things have begun to look quite brighter.
But, until recently I have also been watching my behavior and have recognized patterns in myself that, quite frankly, are almost like a crack addict going back to get small fixes. I’ll turn on my computer and before I know it, like a porn addict immediately beginning to look for “innocent” nudie pics, I will find myself searching through anti-religion blogs or watching YouTube videos on the subject.
Then yesterday something happened.
I was hanging out with my friend Sam before we went out partying and a little of his story began to come out. Apparently he recently had a complete nervous breakdown before I met him. This followed some trauma related to an ex-girlfriend who committed suicide. But the way he describe the experience and the pieces I picked up told me that a large part of his breakdown was due to theology.
In school he began studying theology in depth. I don’t think he was ever a Christian as we would have described it back in my fundamentalist days, but he was certainly driven toward the God-concept.
Then he described how during his complete nervous breakdown, he was looking at his whole life and seeing connections with everything and started imagining that a God was behind it all. On the one hand it was scary as shit thinking about what he went through, and on the other hand it was quite a relief. His experience was like my day-to-day experience in the faith… trying to retain sanity and yet the mind trying desperately to reconcile reality with a concept that every event is a significant clue to God’s working.
Anyway, it only convinced me more that I need to treat religion – even my recent foray into a deist perspective – with the healthy respect it deserves. Like drugs or anything else, it needs to be tempered by self-control and a healthy intellect.
One of the cool things is that now that I have identified a root to a lot of my emotional problems, they are starting to disappear. I’m finding myself with a new stability… a new self-control. I’m learning not to let my mind wander endlessly toward religious concepts, trying desperately to figure it out. Instead, I’m trying to keep a healthy reservation and perspective on it all.
It was great that last night the two theological conversations that did come up… I didn’t start :) It felt freeing. The second one I didn’t even participate in, because it was between a drunk and the cab driver, but still… not getting involved probably felt like an ex-alcoholic walking into a bar and having the ability to refuse a drink.
I don’t check Ray Comfort’s blog anymore. I can turn on my computer without immediately going to religion blogs. I can go for hours without thinking about religion.
I’m seeing the light, and it was here all the time. I don’t need an external source of emotional stability, I have it right here… me. And if I can’t live with myself, what do I have?
- Josh
That’s ashame about your friend. It must be difficult to have had those beliefs and than lose someone to suicide. Traumatic experiences are great at breaking one’s faith, it’s not that the person is weak, it’s that you try to hold on to your faith so much that it drives you crazy. I have also found peace in laying my religion down.
Maybe we shouldn’t be so concerned about trying to hold on, but to release ourselves totally into the hands of a loving God, and let Him shoulder the whole concern.
Romans 8: 38-39 really speaks to me in this.
It seems to me that God’s love, and faithfulness in Jesus Christ is not dependent on our response, or our day to day struggle, having all the right answers.
Grace, that’s a neat idea, but I just can’t bring myself to believe that… and when I did, it lead to the voices, the fear of hell, weird spiritual experiences etc. Sorry, but that just doesn’t work for me because I can’t make myself believe things I’ve learned cannot be literally true.
Josh,
Are you able to share, and explain more to me? How can openness to the love of God cause a fear of Hell? It would seem to me just the opposite.
I don’t think any of us can force ourselves to believe. Agree with you there. I surely would not be able to do this, and there would be no point. It wouldn’t be real.
For me, I came to faith, out of tons of searching, and then came to this deep conviction of truth. It really was just the opposite of how many people speak of trying to repress their doubts,and honest feelings, or like a kind of brain-washing.
I was challenging my Sunday school teachers, and questioning when I was only a young child. To me this seems normal and healthy.
In many ways, I actually think you are on the right track.
Grace,
I’m reminded of the movies, where the evil villain when pressed into a corner always coaxes the innocent individual by telling them that what he is doing it for their best interest – out of love for them! – when in reality he will just destroy them if they don’t do what he says.
That evil villain is your god.
God: I love you, Joshua! I’m just trying to save you! [However, if you don't turn to me I will destroy you!]
Call me stupid, but I feel like I’m reacting how we all wish the hero in the movie would react to the villain when the villain coaxes them with promises of love and best interest.
Suspicion.
Smart, no?
Joshua,
I’m actually visiting from Redhead’s blog and only know about you from what I read over there. I’ve not even taken the time to read the comments ahead of this one, so forgive me if I’m offbase. But, I resonate a bit with you on your reply to Laura’s Dec. 13 blog. With intention to validate you, may I invite you to see my reply to a post in Cafe de Verite (Laura’s forum site) under “For the Religious and Ex-Religions/What’s Your Story.”
I will bookmark your blog, though. Your list of topics looks interesting…very interesting.
Have you read, God’s Debris (italics implied), by Scott Adams (Dilbert creator)? Gem of a read!
Josh, it seems like everyone is talking about hell wherever I post.
Have you read “The Great Divorce,” an allegory of heaven, and hell, by C.S. Lewis?
What do you think of it?