Ok, so I just stole that word from the immortal short story teller O’Henry. In fastidious fashion he crafted a story about said title and as per usual left me with a tingling sensation crawling up and down my spine at the stories climax. I just read said story and am now waiting for a game to be downloaded on Steam as I try to avoid exercising.
As I meandered about this morning, I came to a realization. I get bored quickly with just about everything and for many years have been trying to make myself be diligent and force myself to learn to finish everything I start and, well, stop getting bored.
But the truth is after years of trying to make myself stop being bored by things and just finish everything, I am bored of the effort. It’s a delicious boredom, really. I feel free, as if the pursuit of just finishing things was the one thing keeping me from finishing anything.
In keeping with my last post, I find myself even more than ever just doing whatever I want – whatever I feel like. I’m trying to escape living in my head. Yes, dear readers, it is true. I live in my head most of the time. It’s as if my mind is on constant replay of whatever it is that I should be doing right now and pitting that against its mortal enemy what I feel like doing. This churns up an internal battle that leaves me feeling only half-satisfied regardless of which path I choose.
But I must confess, this was an attitude among my family members – induced, most likely, by their parents. Even my sister-in-law wrote a blog post recently about how my brother’s tendencies in this area are driving her nuts. Eventually this attitude leads to an almost sullen in-appreciation of anything unplanned, disorganized, unkempt, or mildly animal-like. It leads to an inability to laugh at spontaneity and a mild affliction of anxiety. It is exacerbated by Christian beliefs because, well, just about everything in Christianity could fall into one of those camps except regular grooming and church attendance. Both of which, I might add, my brother practices religiously.
Now, in true Sherlockonian fashion, I am seeking a resolution to this epidemic of propriety induced malaise. See, I want nothing to do with this mild discomfort unless, well, it benefits me. And after years of drinking this elixir, I’m done with it. I don’t want to finish things and be the best and always be proper and somehow “rise above” the average man’s antics. I want to not think about it at all. I want. That’s it.
So, right now I want to go for a tease of a run (just until I feel good, with no intentions of accomplishing anything more) and then play computer games until I have had my fill. Then, I wish to figure out someone to enjoy the fireworks with this evening. Then I hope to find someone with whom to go dancing.
Oh yeah, and I have to buy ferry tickets for my trip to Isle Royale next weekend. Then I’m learning to ride a motorcycle at a class the next weekend while taking another photography class.
Goodness, I’m booked.
- Josh
